How Embarrassing
by Naseka
Summary: Written from Joseph's POV: 3 years after PD2, Joseph takes some of Rupert's old pills and ends up in a real pickle. Rated R with good reason...R&R!


Just a bit of fun. I seem to have lots of ONE-SHOT ideas lately, so I'm trying to get them all done instead of continuing with my chaptered stories.

NOTE: This is a one-shot and you must review it cos it took ages to write.

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Today had to be the worst day of my entire life. The absolute worst! It was worse than the day I got shot. It was worse than the day I was caught trying to sneak into the girl guides camping grounds (as a young teenaged boy, of course). It was even worse than the day Clarisse spent eight long hours complaining about her chipped (not broken, chipped) nail. I mean how would you feel if…maybe I'd better explain…

I woke up this morning (in more ways than one) and my eyes were drawn to something sticking up from under the covers. I knew instantly what was going on.

Last night Clarisse asked me to take some of Rupert's old pills in order to increase my sex drive, which worked well, but she forgot to mention the side effect of being stuck-up. I'm serious. I cannot get my penis to go down. It's been like this all day.

I took a cold shower, but that didn't work. I tried thinking un-sexy thoughts, but that didn't work either. I tried biting myself…no luck though; I just ended up with a sore arm that had teeth marks all over it. After all else failed, I tried taking another cold shower, but this time, I was biting myself and thinking un-sexy thoughts, but no luck. No matter what I did, it stayed up. I decided to make my way downstairs to talk to Clarisse, who was in the kitchen at the time doing the dishes.

"Clarisse," I said, "you know those pills you gave me last night, when are they supposed to wear off?"

"They usually wear off after two hours, why?"

"Look!"

She shifted her eyes from her dishes to my crotch, "Oh! Ahahaha, Joseph, is that a gun in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?"

"I'm glad you think it's funny."

Between outburst of laughter, she managed to say, "Oh my! How many pills did you take?"

"Four, just like you said."

"Oh my darling, you were only supposed to take two!"

"You said four!"

"I said two for the time being."

"Oh, I see. I must have gotten confused with two, four and two for," I grumbled to myself then turned my attention back to her, "Well how long do you think it will be until it wears off?"

"I don't know. We never had this problem before, Rupert always read the instructions."

She started laughing hysterically, "Have you tried taking a cold shower?"

"Yes."

"What about thinking un-sexy thoughts?"

"Yes, I tried thinking about you wearing clothes, but it just didn't work."

She gave me a playful slap, then said, "Did you try biting yourself?"

"Yes!"

"What about all three at once?"

"Yes I tried that too! I've tried everything, but it just won't go down!"

"I see…" She stared at me for a while, her eyes shifting between me and my embarrassing problem, then said, "Well I'm stumped. I hope you have an UPLIFTING day that's full of EXCITEMENT."

I raised an eyebrow in disapproval.

"It's a HARD life sometimes isn't it, Joseph?"

I walked off when she started laughing and coming up with more 'jokes' about my little problem, "Don't be so HARD on yourself, you can't let something like this get you DOWN."

I had never seen this side of her before. She was actually joking about sex! When she was queen she never said anything remotely sexual, and now this.

I went back to our room and hopped into bed to see if I could somehow relieve myself…no such luck there. I tried for ages, but nothing. It bewildered me at how a person could stay so hard for so long. I would have loved to have had that ability back in my younger years, but no, I had to make do with fifteen minutes an hour.

But enough about that. I tried sleeping it off, but I couldn't get to sleep, my thoughts were being taken over. Every time I started to dream, I would be reminded of my dilemma. When I eventually did doze off, I was immediately woken by the sound of the doorbell and Clarisse yelling, "Joseph, can you please get that?"

I yelled back to her, "I'm not really in a decent enough state to answer the door."

"You're probably just UP to no good aren't you?" I heard her cackling from the other room. She can be incredibly loud when she wants to. I then heard her say, "Haha, up to no good, that's a good one."

No it's not. It was a good one the first time I heard it, but now it's old news.

"Clarisse, I really think you should be the one to get the door."

"Joseph, I have my hands full right now. I suppose you do too? What are you doing in there?"

I shook my head. I didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't want to answer the door, but Clarisse wouldn't take no for an answer. After she started swearing at me in French, I decided to work up my courage and answer it, making sure I stayed behind it so I was out of sight. It was Mia at the door. She thought it was rude that I had invited her in and kind of half stood in the way of her getting passed.

"God, Joe, it wouldn't kill you to let me through, would it?"

Then she slammed the door and noticed my crotch. She started laughing and pointing at it, "Is that a rocket in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Oh very funny."

I asked her if I could take her coat and she said, "No thankyou, you just…stay over there and I'll hang my own coat up."

I followed her into the lounge making sure I stayed back at least six feet and we sat down on the couches (separate ones for obvious reasons of discomfort). I made sure I put a cushion over myself in case she decided that she wanted to stare, "So Joe, what's up? Oh, silly me, I don't even need to ask."

"What are you doing here?"

"It's my birthday, remember? We're having lunch! Grandma's cooking."

"Oh, that was today? I completely forgot about it."

"You forgot about my birthday?"

"I'm sorry. I've been totally pre-occupied today."

"I've noticed."

She smiled as if she were telepathically asking for permission to question me.

"Alright! Ask away!"

"What's going on? Are you and Grandma in the middle of something? Eww, gross, don't tell me if you are, yuk, I don't even want to think about grandma doing that, eww."

She can be such a teenager sometimes.

"If you must know, I took some pills last night and the effects haven't quite worn off yet."

"Pills? What kind of pills? Oh."

"Oh, indeed."

"So you're stuck like that?"

"I'm afraid so."

She stared silently at me for a while and then burst out with, "Ahahahahahahaha! That's the funniest thing I've ever heard."

I quickly reminded her of what went on between Clarisse and I in order for me to get that way and she completely changed her tone and went back to the, "Eww, that's so gross," which is still annoying, but not as annoying as "Ahahaha".

Clarisse came into the room, smiling as usual, "Mia, darling…Happy Birthday!"

"Thanks, Grandma."

They hugged each other and then turned to me, "Joseph, what is that cushion doing there? It belongs on the couch, not on the person who's on the couch."

She snatched it away and then quickly threw it back at me. I guess she forgot about my little problem.

"Mia, why don't you and I go into the kitchen? I'll let you have a glimpse of your cake."

To my horror, the doorbell rang again while Clarisse was hurrying Mia into the kitchen, "Joseph, would you get the door please?"

Very slowly, I walked to the door once again and opened it.

"Hello Joseph," Charlotte said as she entered the house and removed her coat.

"Woah, is that a carrot in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

I started to wonder if everyone was going to say that. Don't they realise that that joke was sooo ten years ago?

"If you don't mind my asking, what happened to you?"

"Rupert's pills."

"Oh…? Oh…"

She tried not to smile, but I guess it was too hilarious to keep a straight face in a situation like that. Was I the only one who didn't think it was funny?

"Where's the birthday girl? I have something to give her."

"She's in the kitchen."

I closed the door and walked back to the lounge. The three ladies came in and sat on the couch. They all pointed at me and started laughing. They hen started whispering things to each other and laughing even more. I wanted to just curl up in bed, go to sleep and not wake up until everything was back to normal. Too bad for me, though…it wasn't long until the doorbell rang, yet again.

"Joseph?" Clarisse smiled.

"I'm going, I'm going."

This time, it was Nicholas. Like the rest of them, he saw my problem and said, "Is that a train in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

I put my hand up to silence him, "Sorry Joe. What's the deal with your um…"

"Pills."

"Oh, too bad."

He patted me on the shoulder and started walking down the hall.

"If you're going past the lounge, tell the ladies I'm going to go and hang myself."

"I don't think you're going to be doing any hanging for a while, eh, Joe, eh?"

DOES EVERYBODY HAVE TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT THIS?

I thought that all the guests were here, but I was dead wrong. Clarisse had invited Mia's mother and stepfather over as well and their little brat of a kid, Trevor. He is such a little pain in the butt sometimes. Clarisse absolutely adores him. She's always hugging him and playing with him and he grins at me because he thinks I'm jealous of her paying attention to him instead of me whenever he comes around, which is totally not true, I mean how could I, a 72 year old man be jealous of a three year old boy? Tsk, tsk, tsk…it's stupid to think that…alright, I do get jealous, are you happy?

Anyway, when they showed up at the door, Helen noticed my problem and much like EVERYBODY else said, "Is that a pen in your pants, or are you just happy to see us?"

I didn't even say anything to them, I just moved out of the way and let them pass. Patrick stopped and asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He replied with, "Why don't you just bandage it up or something and deal with it later?"

I cannot believe I didn't think of that! It was the simplest, but best idea. I immediately ran to the bathroom and raided the cupboards. I found some bandages, pulled down my pants and started to wrap myself with them. Unfortunately though, I forgot to lock the door.

"Grampa Joe, what you doing?"

TREVOR! It's bad enough that he tries to make me jealous by spending time with my wife, but to walk in on me like that without knocking, without thinking, it was just too much!

"GET OUT!"

He started crying so loudly that everyone ran to see what the matter was. They saw more than they bargained for. There I was, bandaging my genitalia with the door wide open, in front of a screaming child that wouldn't shut up and everyone else that happened to be in the house and all eyes were on me. I knew I had to say something, so I did, "Anyone else hungry?"

They all stared at me some more, so I pulled up my pants and casually exited the room.

Later on, when we were eating lunch, Trevor was sitting on Clarisse's lap making "Na na ni na na" faces at me. I tried to avoid his gaze, but my eyes always shifted back to him. Nicholas and Patrick were talking about who won the latest baseball match which didn't interest me because I hate sports, Charlotte and Mia were talking about the last episode of some television show called, "Neighbours" which also didn't interest me because I don't watch anything other than the news and Clarisse was feeding Trevor food from HER own plate while talking to Helen about how fast TREVOR is growing up. It made me sick! Clarisse and I never share food with each other, so you can imagine how angry I was when I saw that she was feeding that little boy whom she isn't even really related to! A boy who kept making "Mmm, this is really good" faces at me and poking his tongue out at me whenever he thought nobody was looking. It annoyed me very much. Nobody was talking to or even looking at me because of the incident in the bathroom. I couldn't help but think that that boy, that TREVOR boy was trying to make me look bad so he could have Clarisse all to himself (listen to me, I sound like some kind of jealous loser).

I couldn't take it any longer. I had to stand up and say something, "Alright, I admit it! I'm jealous of you! I always have been and as long as you keep spending time with my wife, I always will be! Does that make you feel better?"

What made me even angrier was the fact that he nodded with the biggest smile on his face.

I stormed off to the bedroom and lay down on the bed. I think part of my anger came from the frustration of having my genitals squeezed so tightly into those bandages, but that's not important…

A bit later, Clarisse knocked very lightly at the door and came in. She closed it and came over to sit on the bed.

"You're jealous of a three-year old boy?"

"Of course I am. You pay so much attention to him when he's around."

"That's because he's not here that often. I like to spend as much time with him as I can. How's your…"

"Sore."

She giggled. At a time like that, she giggled? What was that about?

"Are you coming back to lunch?"

"What's the point? Nobody's going to pay any attention to me."

"Suit yourself. We're about to bring out the cake."

"I'm coming."

We got up and put our arms around each other's waist before walking out the door, "And I want you to keep your pants on this time, okay?"

Like I plan to take them off again to encourage more humiliation.

"And be nicer to Trevor."

"Trevor? Trevor? You talk about him all the time, why don't you just marry him?"

"I would if I could."

"Eww."

"I'm kidding!"

"Sure…"

"I am!"

Later…

After everyone went home, I removed the bandages, which was a huge relief on my part, because they had been suffocating me all day. Clarisse was relieved that I still hadn't gone down because she said we wouldn't have to waste another 2 pills to get me going again. I thought that was very cheap of her because she has enough money to feed four third world countries.

Well, I have now officially been like this for 21 hours, 12 minutes and 49 seconds. Somebody set me free!

Now…

Oh, wait a minute, Clarisse just said she thinks she has an idea of how to make it stop.

What's this? She's getting a needle ready and she's heading towards me with it. Uh-oh, I think I know where it's headed…

Hey, she stopped, "What's going on?" I ask.

"Take a look for yourself!"

"Oh my god! It's gone down? How did you do it? That needle didn't even touch me…"

"Common knowledge."

"Oh?"

"All men are afraid of needles."

"I…I wasn't afraid."

"So, will you be taking any pills tomorrow night?"

"I don't see why not…"

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Finally the end! This took hours to write! Please review it! 


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